Fun Fair!

I think there is something truly magical about attending, seeing or even hearing about a fair. It sends a bubble of pure delight and enjoyment throughout my entire being and makes me excited beyond belief. It must be a thrill that has remained with me since my childhood because I can not remember a time when I did not love the fair.

So with exams looming, problems being avoided and a whole three years worth of hating boys, I have been spending the last three days completely enraptured by the lights and sounds of the most enthralling place in the world. The fair. I sit on the shed I used to play football against, watch the fireworks from my comfy place and sit back and drink in the atmosphere.

Something good always happens at the fair. It is enchanting and brings me good luck. It's like my own personal leprechaun. I have fallen into a "lovely comfortable" at the fair. I have been involved in "Beautiful Mistakes" at the fair. It is the most wonderful place and I have the most amazing memories in it. Lets just hope that I have a good change and an exciting new memory waiting for me in the wings of time at this fair. This weekend. A girl can always dream... 

Just thought I would share the most happiest place in my life. ^.^
On that note... Ta-Rah! Love CBC xxx

Dead Poets And Dreams Of Love

I really, really like him. I was worried that maybe my thoughts of him were sparked purely on my need of love and affection - a rebound of sorts. However, I keep thinking 'what if he goes and when I think of him, it's tainted with regret because of the love I could have pursued and the relationship that we may both have needed?'

I'm so, very confused. I persistently want to talk to him. He is frequently in my dreams. I can not express how much I think of him. I've reverted back to my younger days.

"Love-Me-Not's" 

   Stealing Hats

Tickles and Giggles

 Prods and Pats

   Butterflies And The Shakes

That Leave You High As A Kite

Forgetting Previous Heart Breaks

   Teasing, Flirting, Play Fights

Feeling Like Nothing Can Compare

      To The Curls In His Hair

  And The Grin Upon His Lips

Butterflies Now Burst And Nip

     Taking Shelter From The Storm

Your Arms a Haven - Safe And Warm.

Written by me (TM)

Fear still drives me on but I think I may have to follow my heart on this one. I'm just worried about what will happen if I do and then July comes and he leaves my life forever. Whichever path I take, I know that it will hurt me a lot when he leaves because he has become such a big part of my life. He will be the one that changed my life during one of the hardest years I've ever experienced, but to him, I'll only be a footnote from the time he came to Brighton. A small, misshapen memory.
Ta-rah... CBC ^^ xxx

Tainted Memories.

I Couldn't help it.
I was looking through my history on my accounts and I found several conversations between my ex and I. I can't stop thinking about him. It doesn't usually take this long to forget surely?
I decide I'm a 'nun' and I'm not going to like anyone or fall again and just when I start to change my mind I end up getting hurt again.

I mean someone tells you they like you, slowly bring your heart out of it's protective case by the little things he does and then.. Nothing. He starts talking about other girls and flirting with them instead. I just... Don't understand.

I'm so out of my mind. I am clearly still in love with my ex. That much is blatantly obvious at times like this. However, why am I feeling ... something towards this other person. A person who I can not have, either. Why am I torturing myself so?

Whatever happens I believe I will always remember that cold, lonely waiting room in which my ex held my hand and stayed with me. He made me laugh, however inappropriate it was to do so. Even though, all I wanted to do was cry.

I wont forget the walk for hours and the feast upon the grass - in fields hidden far from any place unkind.

Then I don't think it would be right to forget this new guy. I was out, wondering round in the darkness. He didn't like the idea of me being so vulnerable and so he met me, and he stayed with me, until the early hours of the morning. We talked and laughed and sat together on the grassy patch in the middle of a crossing all through the night and not a soul interrupted us.

Times like these. Memories made from things we dream about. These are the recollections that stay with me and remind me that there is a chance that true love is real. It reminds me that sometimes, I should fall, because someone may just be there to catch me.
                                                           Why shouldn't fairy tales come true?
Over and Out. Ta-Rah!
Love CBC ^^ <3 xx

Poems through Life.

                             You Live,                                                               You Die,
                                             There Are Tears
                                                                                          You Cry,
                                                             A Child Through To
                                                       Adult Years,
                                                                                                  Show Me Yours,
                                                                                                  I'll Show You Mine,
                                             Bravely,
                                                            Telling The World Your
                                                                                                    Hopes
                                                                                                               And Fears.

When You Feel Your Every Bit Safe,

Certain Of The Life You Lead,

And You Lose Your Innocence And Faith,

Through Some Un-Holy Deed,

Don't Regret, Don't Fall Apart,

Win Some - Lose Some,

All You Know And All You've Done,

You Keep Safe Within Your Heart,

For As Long As You Stay True To You,

Nothing Can Be Bad,

For You've Done All You Can,

And Made The Most Of What You've Had.

                               That,
                                                          My Love,
                                                                                                 Is All You Can
                                                                                                                                    Do,
                                               For Why Worry Of What Others Think,
                                    When You Know You've Done What Is Right For You!


Written by CBC (TM)
Random Poem :)
Ta-Rah! Love CBC ^.^ <3 xxx

Tactical Talk :)

Well, today I am here to talk about 'tactics'. How many people use tactics? What does it involve? I'm very, possibly intrigued.

There is a guy that I know and he is refusing to tell me his tactics, after admitting guys use them and that he specifically, used them. I don't know why it matters to me so much but I really want to know. It's like knowing there is cake, having that knowledge confirmed and just not being allowed to see or eat it. It's frustrating. I mean, he said his reasons for not telling me were that my life would be less interesting and this confused me even more.

Okay, truth. He told me he liked me a few weeks ago but... would you then admit you have tactics? It all seems a bit stupid to me, surely honesty is the best way forward? I don't understand. I doubt I ever will understand. I'm going to sleep. I'm way to tired for theories. :) Night.
Ta-rah! Love CBC ^^ <3 xx

Bittersweet Memories...

I miss him so much that my soul feels like it's going to catch fire every time that I see him with her. It hurts me so much to believe that he is no longer mine. Thinking that he holds another girls hand, they cuddle up watching films on his bed, him walking someone home that isn't me - I can't stand it. I know I sound like an average teenage girl but.. I mean it when I say I really fell hard for this guy. We dated for 10 months, it's not even very long but, we went through so much. It's been 4 months since we split up and I can't even think about another guy without my heart reprimanding me for not being completely faithful to him in my own head.

I truly do belong to him and if he talks to me - even just a passing comment, it gives me hope that somewhere deep inside there is still a glimpse of love for me left within him. I know it's silly and petty and pathetic but, honestly.. sometimes that is the only thing driving me forward. Times such as now, when I'm listening to music and suddenly our song comes on - I struggle for air. Tears stream from my eyes and I think irrationally.

Has anyone ever felt this before? Knowing there is no redemption from this and knowing there can be no rekindling of our love... It's heart breaking. I want to move on I just have no idea how this can be. I mean, how can you stop loving the person you know you are meant to be with? Tell me, how do you forget the one you are meant to marry and have kids with? How do you lock away those thoughts and just as easily step out in to the battlefield of love again? How can I redeem any chance of love when I found one so pure, true and amazing already and let it go so easily? Without even a fight?

He was my knight in Armour. I went missing and it was him that returned me safely. He spent hours combing the streets looking for me. He didn't stop for a moment. After he knew I was gone he went straight out to find me. He really was something special. He was mine. Now he isn't. How am I supposed to cope?
Anyway, I'm turning in now. Ta-rah.
Love CBC xx

Hide and Seek.

I get told I'm 'always happy'. That I 'smile all the time'. Someone questioned me only hours ago if I 'ever had anything go wrong in my life'. My secret? Most things are. I mean... I smile at college on a Monday morning, even if I have spent the weekend looking after a drunken sister that has stumbled home late. We were all meant to come home early to meet the Nana. We haven't seen her since Christmas and it was her birthday so she was on her way down. Why on earth would you go out and get smashed when something that important, something we've all been preparing for for so long, was about to happen?

Everyone hides. Today, I saw something I have never seen before and have never imagined possible. I watched my eldest sister, who I admire and look up to, drunkenly crying and telling me she hates herself. Which is not what I was expecting on a day I have been looking forward to for weeks. I have seen her drunk many times and yet, she never said those things to me before. She'd never said how she hated herself, or her life, or anything. I'm really confused as to what I'm supposed to do with myself. Whether to make my Nana's trip more enjoyable or focus on my deteriorating spirit and happiness of my sister. It's all a bit too much to handle for me but, I think... *Deep Breath* It has to be me. My parents are too angry and my brother is out getting drunk. I'm left to sort out everyone's problems, as per usual. I guess... Old habits die hard. For everyone...

Ta-rah.
I'll check in again sometime soon... CBC xx