Tactical Talk :)

Well, today I am here to talk about 'tactics'. How many people use tactics? What does it involve? I'm very, possibly intrigued.

There is a guy that I know and he is refusing to tell me his tactics, after admitting guys use them and that he specifically, used them. I don't know why it matters to me so much but I really want to know. It's like knowing there is cake, having that knowledge confirmed and just not being allowed to see or eat it. It's frustrating. I mean, he said his reasons for not telling me were that my life would be less interesting and this confused me even more.

Okay, truth. He told me he liked me a few weeks ago but... would you then admit you have tactics? It all seems a bit stupid to me, surely honesty is the best way forward? I don't understand. I doubt I ever will understand. I'm going to sleep. I'm way to tired for theories. :) Night.
Ta-rah! Love CBC ^^ <3 xx

Bittersweet Memories...

I miss him so much that my soul feels like it's going to catch fire every time that I see him with her. It hurts me so much to believe that he is no longer mine. Thinking that he holds another girls hand, they cuddle up watching films on his bed, him walking someone home that isn't me - I can't stand it. I know I sound like an average teenage girl but.. I mean it when I say I really fell hard for this guy. We dated for 10 months, it's not even very long but, we went through so much. It's been 4 months since we split up and I can't even think about another guy without my heart reprimanding me for not being completely faithful to him in my own head.

I truly do belong to him and if he talks to me - even just a passing comment, it gives me hope that somewhere deep inside there is still a glimpse of love for me left within him. I know it's silly and petty and pathetic but, honestly.. sometimes that is the only thing driving me forward. Times such as now, when I'm listening to music and suddenly our song comes on - I struggle for air. Tears stream from my eyes and I think irrationally.

Has anyone ever felt this before? Knowing there is no redemption from this and knowing there can be no rekindling of our love... It's heart breaking. I want to move on I just have no idea how this can be. I mean, how can you stop loving the person you know you are meant to be with? Tell me, how do you forget the one you are meant to marry and have kids with? How do you lock away those thoughts and just as easily step out in to the battlefield of love again? How can I redeem any chance of love when I found one so pure, true and amazing already and let it go so easily? Without even a fight?

He was my knight in Armour. I went missing and it was him that returned me safely. He spent hours combing the streets looking for me. He didn't stop for a moment. After he knew I was gone he went straight out to find me. He really was something special. He was mine. Now he isn't. How am I supposed to cope?
Anyway, I'm turning in now. Ta-rah.
Love CBC xx

Hide and Seek.

I get told I'm 'always happy'. That I 'smile all the time'. Someone questioned me only hours ago if I 'ever had anything go wrong in my life'. My secret? Most things are. I mean... I smile at college on a Monday morning, even if I have spent the weekend looking after a drunken sister that has stumbled home late. We were all meant to come home early to meet the Nana. We haven't seen her since Christmas and it was her birthday so she was on her way down. Why on earth would you go out and get smashed when something that important, something we've all been preparing for for so long, was about to happen?

Everyone hides. Today, I saw something I have never seen before and have never imagined possible. I watched my eldest sister, who I admire and look up to, drunkenly crying and telling me she hates herself. Which is not what I was expecting on a day I have been looking forward to for weeks. I have seen her drunk many times and yet, she never said those things to me before. She'd never said how she hated herself, or her life, or anything. I'm really confused as to what I'm supposed to do with myself. Whether to make my Nana's trip more enjoyable or focus on my deteriorating spirit and happiness of my sister. It's all a bit too much to handle for me but, I think... *Deep Breath* It has to be me. My parents are too angry and my brother is out getting drunk. I'm left to sort out everyone's problems, as per usual. I guess... Old habits die hard. For everyone...

Ta-rah.
I'll check in again sometime soon... CBC xx

Rumours

Don't you just hate rumours? I've had so many going around about me in the last few weeks that even I'm starting to believe them. The latest one particularly made me chuckle. Apparently I'm a constant users of drugs. As you don't know me you wouldn't understand the humour but here it is.

I don't drink. I have asthma and dislike anyone smoking around me. I try and help my friends stop doing things like drugs (only if they ask for help) and I have always been against any kind of 'way out' rubbish because I've seen so many people doing it and lost so many people to influences. Basically I'm completely against it. So for my Ex's best friend to start a row with me and then tell me about this rumour going around... It's kind of funny. Especially considering people do drugs to escape pain and the two people that have caused me the most pain (My ex and his best friend) have now left my life almost for good... for me to start now would be really idiotic. Dont'cha think?

So yeah, I wonder what kind of response I will get when I come in to college today. Can't be as bad as my best friend who got a rumour spread round that she had lesbian sex in the toilets of her college... Anyway, I'm off now. Have some homework to finish. Ta-rah.
CBC <3 xx

First ever blog.

Hey Bloggers,
I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to write about or who will even read this but I thought it would be an interesting way to fuel my thirst for writing. I'm an average teenager with all the usual problems ... and then some. I don't wear make-up. I don't fuss a lot about my hair. My clothes are usually found and thrown on in a random combination. I make up words. I have been known to act oddly. Basically, I'm a lickle different.

Then there is family and relationships, fickle friends and fall - outs. See, I have a massive family and they each have a big mouth and loads of cocky remarks to match. They also always think themselves correct - me included. Relationships are always going to be hard with my family and especially with my dad. I think my last one, however, really put me off any type of relationship in that way ever again. We parted badly, several times, and both his parents and mine hate that we ever got together in the first place. Though, they had good reason for that one.

Well, I'm going to go now. I'm off to see some friends. You can find more of my travels and views on life, love and everything else some time in the not so distant future. Till then, Ta-rah!
Over out from CBC ^^