I miss him so much that my soul feels like it's going to catch fire every time that I see him with her. It hurts me so much to believe that he is no longer mine. Thinking that he holds another girls hand, they cuddle up watching films on his bed, him walking someone home that isn't me - I can't stand it. I know I sound like an average teenage girl but.. I mean it when I say I really fell hard for this guy. We dated for 10 months, it's not even very long but, we went through so much. It's been 4 months since we split up and I can't even think about another guy without my heart reprimanding me for not being completely faithful to him in my own head.
I truly do belong to him and if he talks to me - even just a passing comment, it gives me hope that somewhere deep inside there is still a glimpse of love for me left within him. I know it's silly and petty and pathetic but, honestly.. sometimes that is the only thing driving me forward. Times such as now, when I'm listening to music and suddenly our song comes on - I struggle for air. Tears stream from my eyes and I think irrationally.
Has anyone ever felt this before? Knowing there is no redemption from this and knowing there can be no rekindling of our love... It's heart breaking. I want to move on I just have no idea how this can be. I mean, how can you stop loving the person you know you are meant to be with? Tell me, how do you forget the one you are meant to marry and have kids with? How do you lock away those thoughts and just as easily step out in to the battlefield of love again? How can I redeem any chance of love when I found one so pure, true and amazing already and let it go so easily? Without even a fight?
He was my knight in Armour. I went missing and it was him that returned me safely. He spent hours combing the streets looking for me. He didn't stop for a moment. After he knew I was gone he went straight out to find me. He really was something special. He was mine. Now he isn't. How am I supposed to cope?
Anyway, I'm turning in now. Ta-rah.
Love CBC xx
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