Just My Luck

I forget sometimes how good my life has been. I mean, it's natural for teenagers and young adults to feel hard done by. It's natural for people to feel they've been dealt a terrible hand in life. However, I look back over what I've done and all that I've seen and I realise, I've been very lucky.


I've traveled to Spain three times; to two different areas. The North and South of Spain.

The South was very hot and was bathed in sunshine all the time; at night time the air was still very humid. There were various beaches and gorgeous shores. It was dotted with glorious visions and sites of perfection....
... The North was also very breath-taking to visit. It was covered with trees and wildlife. It was mountainous and provoked adventure and courage to all who were there.


I've also had a fantastic trip to France. I attended with my school and so had a full agenda during this trip and it truly was an amazing experience. Thanks to the college we managed to view some of the tourist sites as well as some less well known places.

So, I know I'm privileged. I know I've had a lot of memories and experiences that I should be very grateful for.
I have a brilliant family. A vast family. A happy family life. I have the best boyfriend I could imagine and the most caring and sentimental freindships I  could ever hope for. I'm a college student going into her third year and doing well. How could someone with so much going for them complain? How could I, not be smiling; not be happy; not be joyful to the world?

 Just a happy rant. ^.^ Ta-rah!
Love CBC xxx

Whipped like Butter xXx

We see it in films and novels often enough. The type of courageous act that many people do without thought, without realising the repercussions of it. The type of moment that, to a girl, is easy to pull forward through the folds of time and mark as the beginning.

It has many names to show this realisation; whipped, taken, in love. It is a gesture that brings forth many different oxymorons. The part in your life when you put a juxtaposition on time and faith. The spontaneity of a well thought out plan.

Something that doesn't weigh much, feeling heavier than any other peice of jewelry because of it's meaning; the hidden messages it holds - I love you; i'm yours; you mean this much to me. The moments that can either make or break you - physically or psychologically.

POEM ^.^

A Necklace Hangs,
Keeping Me Bound,
Alone I Am Lost,
With You - I Am Found.

Our Initials Welcome,
For All To See,
A Ring Proudly Shown,
Binding You To Me.

Three Words On My Lips,
A Question In The Air,
A Life Time It Took,
To Show You I Care.

As You Leant Closer, You Already Knew,
That I Would Say "I Love You".

*Original by CBC (TM)

Anyway, I'm off now. Ta-rah!
Love CBC xxx

A Welcome Lover xXx

There is a point in your life in which you face your younger self; it is the moment in which you either turn your life around and grow up or remain naive and, to a perceptional outsider, younger for a little while longer. This moment can occur when doing anything. However, you can be certain that it will come. Fact.

Another fact would be the pain it takes to realise that you are in fact happy. You will always panic when this happens because, in this ecstatic realisation comes your worst fears. In the shape and form of happiness, you have somehow left yourself open, flawed and easily hurt.

With this in mind, I have entered into the most outwardly damning, yet, eternally happy relationship that I have ever seen - let alone been a part of. I reccomend throwing caution to the wind ... sometimes it's worth every insecurity it brings. Especially if it involves Him. <3 Goodnight Bloggers.
Ta-rah! Love CBC ^.^ xxx

Upon Entering Utopia...

Out of Place.
You guide your hand,
To trace my face
- A foreigner learning new land.

Out of Time.
A new rhythm to learn.
New passions - "I burn,"
New dreams - "I pine,"

Hope. "I Perish".
We can not falter.
You sail, almost feverish,
along my resistant water.

You've brought life to my cold and lonely heart,
without you, I'd have fallen from the start.
Original by CBC (TM)

Ta-rah!
Love CBC! <3 xxx

The Dream Of An Angel.

I heard him laugh

and I fell back in time.

Remember Sunday mornings,

back when he was mine...?

"Names softly spoken,

Sweet, chidding comments,

Re-occuring jokes,

My heart lay broken..."

Filling the space,

You're now here.

My defences,

Padlocked and safe,

Or so I thought,

Has lost me my faith.

I'm stuck,

In jeopardy,

Forbidden lips,

Singing a sweet, yet unheard-of melody.

I heard him laugh,

And the world fell away,

He told me we'd last a lifetime,

But smirked when I begged him to stay.

"His smile bought me to tears,

His tears brought me pain,

It made me hope and pray and dream,

Of being his again."

Reminiscent on the past,

You guided me through.

Helped me pick myself up,

Only to lose my heart again,

Only this time to you.

Yet, I know I do not care for him,

As I once did,

I miss what we were,

The simplicity of our relationship.

Is there such a thing?

As a true soul-mate.

A friend I've loved for many years,

Now recipricates...

If Angels are real,

And miracles can happen...

If cold people learn to feel,

And hearts can have transactions...

Why should the two of us;

Lose the dream,

Lose the chance,

Of redemption and happiness

For others jealousy and lonliness.

If we could just be us,

Without having to hide,

Cheat, lie or persuade.

Without all the fuss,

We could be...

Heavenly.. <3

Original Poem By CBC! (TM)

Ta-Rah! ^.^

Love CBC xxx

Letters to You...

To Her; I just can't handle this. I miss talking to you all the time. I miss going for our walks. I miss your random humour. Laughing about each other. Parties with you. Our goony accents. Writing stories with you. Just everything we usually do together. Now it seems that we can no longer find any common ground.


I'm losing you and I knew it would happen as soon as you found out. That's why I waited so long to tell you. To me, it was like signing off on our friendship. That's what I hated. That the two of you somehow made a show of my life and put everything into categories.

Then the blames falls to me... Even though I had no intention of falling into the middle of your sardonic and sadistic love triangle.

To Him; I believe.. despite my recent attachment with you, that the two of you are most probably destined for each other. That your worlds will always intertwine, That I will not have the slightest chance of staying in your heart because, at the end of the day, she was your first love and your one and only. Just as you are for her.

You split up because you deny it and you try and hide your constant pulling sensation towards her. Which is undeniable. You are both drawn to each other. It is inevitable and unexplainable. Also, it is a pity.

I truly do love you both, in different ways. I just hate the thought of losing either of you in any shape or form. I hope I do not have to... Ta-rah...
Love CBC xxx

Mixed Wash

I'm falling into line, dear,

I've become;

                     a lost cause

                                        a little lamb

How do you change an image of yourself,

When the lines are drawn so clear?

How can you stop a rumour of something that was once true?

how can you build a life on a lie? Is there point to even try?

Lines mixing,

colours fading,

nothing makes very much sense.

Though, in the end,

you might just catch a glimpse...

of the fragile heart behind my tired and lonely fence.

By CBC (TM)

Ta-Rah!

Love CBC!! ^.^ xxx

Geeky Tiems :)

I have read every single one of the Harry Potter books - More than once. I have watched all of the films - many times. I have joined lots of groups and online sites of Harry Potter. I've been out at midnight to buy the films when they first all came out. I had a Harry Potter backpack as a child. I have a Harry Potter bed cover and all the sticker books. I have a wand. I used to pretend I was Hermione Granger in some local woods where I grew up. I have a video of my friends and I quoting the books, word for word. I cried my eyes out and sobbed "Mischief Managed" when the last film, of the last book finished. I am the Potter Generation. I am a huge geek.

I stayed up several times over the duration of a week to get on to PotterMore (the continuation of the world of Harry Potter). How is it that I still have yet to receive my welcome email. Most of my friends are already online and have been sorted into their houses. It seems like such fun and I can not wait.

Okay, enough of my geeky ranting. :)
Ta-rah! Love CBC ^.^ xxx

Broken Strings ^.^

You hugged me tightly. Heavy breaths, shattering and falling in uneven patterns. Standing in front of me. Broken. You were broken. You spoke in whispers of memories and of fading pictures. You spoke in unchecked mutterings. You told me I was the first to listen.

I was the first, it seemed, that cared.

It broke my heart to see you like that. It seemed you were crumbling. I have no idea if you meant it. I have no idea whether those feelings and thoughts you profess are true - how can I? However, I can say that when you were in that state of mind, to me you were an angel. You are all I could think about loving.

I see an angel,

don't let that fade away,

For the very first time,

I want you to stay...

I'm losing myself,

from everything I knew,

I'm feeling closer than ever,

And now I don't know what to do.

Original by CBC (TM)

Well, Ta-rah!

Love CBC ^.^ xxx

Romeo, Romeo, Where for art thou, Romeo?

My problem is; I always want the fairytale.

I've been waiting for the likes of Mr Darcy and Landon Carters. You know, waiting for the guy that throws rocks at my window at 3am in the morning with a BoomBox playing our song - just for forgiveness at a petty row. The guy that tells the world he loves me and that I make him want to be a better person. The guy that stands on a coffee cart and declares his love for me, despite anything.
I want that guy.

Which i realise is a lot to ask. However, I can't remove the thought from my head because it's stuck there in permanent marker. All those love songs. All the romantic novels. All the films that I've watched throughout my life. They are all screaming the same thing.

I also know that nobody will realise I want this. I have been deemed "Realistic" and "Un-Romantic". This, however, is a fallacy. Yet, you can't grow up in this day and age pulling romantic stunts without being shunned from civilisation sometimes. So, my lack of romantic gestures is not a sure sign I dislike it - but that I'm waiting for the guy that does them back to me.

That's right, I'm waiting for a guy; to declare his love for me in public, to court me, to care enough to try.
Then maybe, just maybe, my romantic side will be able to shine through and I can have my very own fairytale.

So, if any guys read this. That is my advice to you. Try. If there is a girl you like ... And I mean really like and you're unsure of circumstance or opportunity. Then do something about it. Follow the moves of the great.

Run to the airport to meet her plane as it lands and surprise her with your compassion.

Write her a song.

Learn to do something she loves for her.

Take a leaf from "Casablanca", "Pride and Prejudice", "Notting Hill" and every other romantic thing available. There is a lot to go on. Try and see where it gets you. Romance and chivalry should not be dead. Otherwise we'll be promoting treating a girl like she doesn't matter and provoke similar thoughts in her own head.

Perhaps, what makes a girl so confusing is that she is confused herself. If you make it completely clear; don't flirt with others, don't halfheartedly do things and don't give up, then she wouldn't either. That is my advice. I believe if you show a girl that you're not going anywhere and then prove it by your actions. She wouldn't be so judgmental and suspicious.

Enough heavy. Just a thought. ^.^
Ta-rah! Love CBC <3 xxx

The Story Of Us

What do you do when something happens, something so indescribably terrible, that the two people that are most involved have a relationship; and that relationship is effected to the point of failure? What happens when exactly a year later, after both moving on, you are forced together for several hours on the anniversary of this tragedy? Pretending nothing is wrong. Pretending that you're both happy. Pretending nothing happened at all.

Pretending - the word makes me sick to my stomach. It is the single vilest, most evil source of human incompetence that I can imagine ever appearing in a persons life. It promotes lies, disbelief and dishonesty. All of which lead to problems, corruption and difficulty.

I couldn't look at him. I swore blindly to anyone that would listen that I am over him but just seeing him there and acting like nothing was wrong made me think differently.

A secret; just talking to him without any hint of sadness or anger in our voices sent me into a mad spiral. I was back-peddling through the months that have passed to when we first began and I can honestly say that I forgot who he had become and what he had done for a few brief moments of delight. A delicious memory that antagonized me to regurgitate from my past. Yet, one that endeared me to him in a different sort of way. It made me believe in certain things again. certain choices and thoughts that I was once so strongly opinionated on.

Not that it gave me any notion to rekindle our passion or any thing from our previous relationship but, it prepared me more for any future ones. It made me see that life moves on. People moves on. Above all, love will always be there but, you have to mold it into the type of love that you desire with each new love that dawn brings.

Life is a journey, after all. Now is the time to make mistakes, to choose wrongly and to falter. That way, when the times comes to seriously look upon your life's choices you can say with adamant belief that your choices were the right ones because you made sure they were the ones that you wanted at the time.
Just another of my Epiphanies. ^.^
Ta-rah! Love CBC <3 xxx

The Paths Of Life May Twist And Bend...

It is possible, quite possible, that I've made a very big mistake. That I've chosen the worst path visible. I wish my head would refrain from starting all this commotion with in me. I can not stand it.

I see two visible path that lay ahead of me now... but this is all under the illusion that the ball is still in my court. I may have misread everything and made myself far too important for any such choice. However, if the choice is mine it all comes down to 'should I stay or should I go?'

A question that has frequented many minds before me and will continue to corrupt minds long after I'm gone.

Well, last night resulted in an unraveling of sorts. A person that seems so gentle and sweet becomes the person that flirts with others and doesn't keep promises. The type that doesn't seem to care if you have got home safely. The guy I generally avoid and dislike.

Well, I think it may be time to talk to him. Face my Demon. My Demon that may actually turn out to be the 'dark haired, dark souled Demon' that I marked him as previously.

Ta-rah...Love CBC <3 xxx

The Rainbow IN The Storm..

I realise now that the chaos you believe will begin by a simple decision is a lot more torturous than the repercussions of the decision itself. Things can always work out if you try hard enough. You always have the chance to make things better.

I guess it's pure teenage over-thinking that drives us and guides us through a life that is riddled with fear. Generally speaking; nobody is dying, nothing is broken that cannot be fixed and life will go on. You have to put up with the rain if you want to see the rainbow and I guess it's the same in this sense. You have to handle all your own personal worries and problems if you're going to pass through to the happy times.




POEM (Goony.. xD)


Skipping on a regular basis
melting at a touch
I wouldn't be a heart
If I didn't change so much.

Causing conflicting emotions in your head
Making decisions you can't help but follow
Without me as your heart
You may as well be hollow.

When you are lost
I make the world around you bright
I helped you feel alive again
I'm your heart - a guiding light.

By CBC (TM)

Ta-rah for now! Love CBC ^.^
Don't forget... Chin up and keep at it :) xxx

Trapped Down A Rabbit Hole...

"I'm afraid I can't explain myself, you see, because I'm not myself, you know"

This is a perfect piece of literature which I believe defines everyone at some point during their teenage years.The moments in life when you feel like you're lost. Moments when you're doubting your choices and/or beliefs. Moments when confusion spreads and deceit taints the path ahead.

The times you makes choices and then realise the consequences you will have to face through the repercussions of those choices.

Hence, my life, right now.

The mother of the guy I kissed asked him if we were dating and he said "I don't know.. maybe". The guy I have liked for ages. The guy that used to belong to my best friend. The guy who I can not stop liking it seems.

But the conversation he told me of; the one that occurred between him and his mother... It's put everything into perspective. It ISN'T right, despite my feelings. It is completely wrong in fact to act upon these feelings because first and foremost; I am a best friend. And best friends do not do things like this. Despite how happy it may make them. So now, I have to figure out what I am to do.. I know that other friends will say I am making excuses to push out any chance of happiness for myself. Or that I am trying to make excuses because I believe I don't deserve happiness. However, that isn't the case. I have acted selfishly. I have behaved in a manor inappropriate to my situation. I have been stupid beyond belief.

This now leads me to my big problem. How do I now express this to him? How can I tell him that we have been wrong? That I can not do this to my friend. That we can not go on like this. How do I tell someone bluntly that we can not be what my heart wishes it so badly to be?

How indeed. But I must, I guess.

Farewell I guess would be the correct term..
Ta-rah... Love CBC </3 xxx

My dark souled Demon :3

I really, really am unable to control myself.

We went to the cinema, I couldn't not hug him through the sad parts... and even through some of the normal parts. I couldn't stop myself. It's like.. finally being allowed something you've wanted for a long time...

I can't describe it because it all seems so.. dreamlike... And I hate being Cliche or Cheesy. But this is the guy who I liked enough to split my first real boyfriend and myself up. The guy that the thought of gave me hours of hopeful dreams. The guy I never thought I could have.

We went wandering yesterday and... It was perfect. Like one of those dreams I'd hoped for for years..

We went to the sea and walked along it, laughing, joking... Pretending to push each other in the water. Accidental brushes of our hands. Then when it began to 'pitter patter' with rain we sat on the steps that lead to the water; knee-to-knee, arm-to-arm. We sat there for a while my head resting on his arm, his head resting on mine, and it was perfect. But, it's complicated... I gave in. I gave in to him when really, I should have consulted my best friend first... This way I might have just ruined everything.. We'll just have to wait and see...

Ta-rah..
Love CBC ... Forever hopeful of redemption <3 xxx

Jar Of Hearts...

What am I doing? How did I become... this? The best friend of many people and yet, underneath the covers and behind closed doors I am a monster. A monster that seems to claim affection and keep it .. not wanting to continue with it, but dreading to lose it. I'm like a disease that creeps into the lives of people that are already cared about and loved. I'm like a ruin, beautiful to look at from afar, yet a terrible, crumbling mess from within - Yet, nobody gets close enough to see inside. Nobody sees me falter or break.

It's been a while since I was told of my best friends ex liking me. What have I done? Flirted with him. Accepted a date with him. Laughed and joked and hidden the connection from her.

I am; a monster.

I am; relentless.

I am; Failing.

I do not breathe your name,

Long enough to hold it dear,

I can not stay long enough,

To watch the mist clear,

If I get too close,

if you think I protest-eth too much,

Things are too dangerous,

You're close - close enough to touch.

I feel you closing in,

I've had an escape route from the start,

I'll be the one to say Goodbye,

But we'll both be with a broken heart.

By CBC (TM)

Ta-rah!

Love CBC ^^ xxxx

Thought's growing fast.. o.0

You're in the background,
Of memories, moments and choices.
You inspired my actions,
Your words pushing through those voices.

You took my hand,
Guiding me out of wreckage,
Relationships have come and gone,
Now here you are with your own message...

A message of emotion
Told of love - yet with regret,
I haven't been able to understand,
To think, to ask or to reflect.

My problems - still unanswered,
Sits knocking at the door,
But I cannot let them in,
I don't want trouble anymore.

I act and think like I always did,
But with a fresh new outlook,
I can't help acting in this way,
Avoiding feelings I may have mistook.

Yet, I'm scared to meet prince charming,
Mr Darcy, Sebastian or Landon Carters,
Because what if I'm not enough,
without outfits, thongs or garters.

Or what if people don't understand,
The things that could be,
Or what if time has passed so much,
That he is no longer for me.

What if the skies cloud over,
And all of time stands still,
What if this is just a fling,
Causing more pain than I wish to feel.

....I used to dream of you,
of fitting into your arms,
I fell whilst talking into the night,
for your laugh, your smile, your charms.






Written for He Who Shall Remain Nameless And Unknown and Written by me! (TM) Ta-rah!
Love CBC ^.^ xxxx

What's a girl to do?

You know the friend that you've always liked and you probably always will? You know the guy you just get used to being a friend because you know they are far too good for you or the ship has long gone?

What do you do if that guy turns around and tells you he has feelings for you? What do you do if you want something that you have wanted for ages and yet, you know it's wrong because of previous miscalculations or misconceptions? What if...

My best friend's ex boyfriend. A guy that is also one of my closest friends. The girl who cried on my shoulder for months over this guy. The guy who talked me through the mess I made of my first boyfriend. What is a girl to do when a monstrous love triangle such as this occurs to her? If only I knew what to do or what to say... Anyway, Ta-rah!
Love CBC ^^ xx

Fun Fair!

I think there is something truly magical about attending, seeing or even hearing about a fair. It sends a bubble of pure delight and enjoyment throughout my entire being and makes me excited beyond belief. It must be a thrill that has remained with me since my childhood because I can not remember a time when I did not love the fair.

So with exams looming, problems being avoided and a whole three years worth of hating boys, I have been spending the last three days completely enraptured by the lights and sounds of the most enthralling place in the world. The fair. I sit on the shed I used to play football against, watch the fireworks from my comfy place and sit back and drink in the atmosphere.

Something good always happens at the fair. It is enchanting and brings me good luck. It's like my own personal leprechaun. I have fallen into a "lovely comfortable" at the fair. I have been involved in "Beautiful Mistakes" at the fair. It is the most wonderful place and I have the most amazing memories in it. Lets just hope that I have a good change and an exciting new memory waiting for me in the wings of time at this fair. This weekend. A girl can always dream... 

Just thought I would share the most happiest place in my life. ^.^
On that note... Ta-Rah! Love CBC xxx

Dead Poets And Dreams Of Love

I really, really like him. I was worried that maybe my thoughts of him were sparked purely on my need of love and affection - a rebound of sorts. However, I keep thinking 'what if he goes and when I think of him, it's tainted with regret because of the love I could have pursued and the relationship that we may both have needed?'

I'm so, very confused. I persistently want to talk to him. He is frequently in my dreams. I can not express how much I think of him. I've reverted back to my younger days.

"Love-Me-Not's" 

   Stealing Hats

Tickles and Giggles

 Prods and Pats

   Butterflies And The Shakes

That Leave You High As A Kite

Forgetting Previous Heart Breaks

   Teasing, Flirting, Play Fights

Feeling Like Nothing Can Compare

      To The Curls In His Hair

  And The Grin Upon His Lips

Butterflies Now Burst And Nip

     Taking Shelter From The Storm

Your Arms a Haven - Safe And Warm.

Written by me (TM)

Fear still drives me on but I think I may have to follow my heart on this one. I'm just worried about what will happen if I do and then July comes and he leaves my life forever. Whichever path I take, I know that it will hurt me a lot when he leaves because he has become such a big part of my life. He will be the one that changed my life during one of the hardest years I've ever experienced, but to him, I'll only be a footnote from the time he came to Brighton. A small, misshapen memory.
Ta-rah... CBC ^^ xxx

Tainted Memories.

I Couldn't help it.
I was looking through my history on my accounts and I found several conversations between my ex and I. I can't stop thinking about him. It doesn't usually take this long to forget surely?
I decide I'm a 'nun' and I'm not going to like anyone or fall again and just when I start to change my mind I end up getting hurt again.

I mean someone tells you they like you, slowly bring your heart out of it's protective case by the little things he does and then.. Nothing. He starts talking about other girls and flirting with them instead. I just... Don't understand.

I'm so out of my mind. I am clearly still in love with my ex. That much is blatantly obvious at times like this. However, why am I feeling ... something towards this other person. A person who I can not have, either. Why am I torturing myself so?

Whatever happens I believe I will always remember that cold, lonely waiting room in which my ex held my hand and stayed with me. He made me laugh, however inappropriate it was to do so. Even though, all I wanted to do was cry.

I wont forget the walk for hours and the feast upon the grass - in fields hidden far from any place unkind.

Then I don't think it would be right to forget this new guy. I was out, wondering round in the darkness. He didn't like the idea of me being so vulnerable and so he met me, and he stayed with me, until the early hours of the morning. We talked and laughed and sat together on the grassy patch in the middle of a crossing all through the night and not a soul interrupted us.

Times like these. Memories made from things we dream about. These are the recollections that stay with me and remind me that there is a chance that true love is real. It reminds me that sometimes, I should fall, because someone may just be there to catch me.
                                                           Why shouldn't fairy tales come true?
Over and Out. Ta-Rah!
Love CBC ^^ <3 xx

Poems through Life.

                             You Live,                                                               You Die,
                                             There Are Tears
                                                                                          You Cry,
                                                             A Child Through To
                                                       Adult Years,
                                                                                                  Show Me Yours,
                                                                                                  I'll Show You Mine,
                                             Bravely,
                                                            Telling The World Your
                                                                                                    Hopes
                                                                                                               And Fears.

When You Feel Your Every Bit Safe,

Certain Of The Life You Lead,

And You Lose Your Innocence And Faith,

Through Some Un-Holy Deed,

Don't Regret, Don't Fall Apart,

Win Some - Lose Some,

All You Know And All You've Done,

You Keep Safe Within Your Heart,

For As Long As You Stay True To You,

Nothing Can Be Bad,

For You've Done All You Can,

And Made The Most Of What You've Had.

                               That,
                                                          My Love,
                                                                                                 Is All You Can
                                                                                                                                    Do,
                                               For Why Worry Of What Others Think,
                                    When You Know You've Done What Is Right For You!


Written by CBC (TM)
Random Poem :)
Ta-Rah! Love CBC ^.^ <3 xxx

Tactical Talk :)

Well, today I am here to talk about 'tactics'. How many people use tactics? What does it involve? I'm very, possibly intrigued.

There is a guy that I know and he is refusing to tell me his tactics, after admitting guys use them and that he specifically, used them. I don't know why it matters to me so much but I really want to know. It's like knowing there is cake, having that knowledge confirmed and just not being allowed to see or eat it. It's frustrating. I mean, he said his reasons for not telling me were that my life would be less interesting and this confused me even more.

Okay, truth. He told me he liked me a few weeks ago but... would you then admit you have tactics? It all seems a bit stupid to me, surely honesty is the best way forward? I don't understand. I doubt I ever will understand. I'm going to sleep. I'm way to tired for theories. :) Night.
Ta-rah! Love CBC ^^ <3 xx

Bittersweet Memories...

I miss him so much that my soul feels like it's going to catch fire every time that I see him with her. It hurts me so much to believe that he is no longer mine. Thinking that he holds another girls hand, they cuddle up watching films on his bed, him walking someone home that isn't me - I can't stand it. I know I sound like an average teenage girl but.. I mean it when I say I really fell hard for this guy. We dated for 10 months, it's not even very long but, we went through so much. It's been 4 months since we split up and I can't even think about another guy without my heart reprimanding me for not being completely faithful to him in my own head.

I truly do belong to him and if he talks to me - even just a passing comment, it gives me hope that somewhere deep inside there is still a glimpse of love for me left within him. I know it's silly and petty and pathetic but, honestly.. sometimes that is the only thing driving me forward. Times such as now, when I'm listening to music and suddenly our song comes on - I struggle for air. Tears stream from my eyes and I think irrationally.

Has anyone ever felt this before? Knowing there is no redemption from this and knowing there can be no rekindling of our love... It's heart breaking. I want to move on I just have no idea how this can be. I mean, how can you stop loving the person you know you are meant to be with? Tell me, how do you forget the one you are meant to marry and have kids with? How do you lock away those thoughts and just as easily step out in to the battlefield of love again? How can I redeem any chance of love when I found one so pure, true and amazing already and let it go so easily? Without even a fight?

He was my knight in Armour. I went missing and it was him that returned me safely. He spent hours combing the streets looking for me. He didn't stop for a moment. After he knew I was gone he went straight out to find me. He really was something special. He was mine. Now he isn't. How am I supposed to cope?
Anyway, I'm turning in now. Ta-rah.
Love CBC xx

Hide and Seek.

I get told I'm 'always happy'. That I 'smile all the time'. Someone questioned me only hours ago if I 'ever had anything go wrong in my life'. My secret? Most things are. I mean... I smile at college on a Monday morning, even if I have spent the weekend looking after a drunken sister that has stumbled home late. We were all meant to come home early to meet the Nana. We haven't seen her since Christmas and it was her birthday so she was on her way down. Why on earth would you go out and get smashed when something that important, something we've all been preparing for for so long, was about to happen?

Everyone hides. Today, I saw something I have never seen before and have never imagined possible. I watched my eldest sister, who I admire and look up to, drunkenly crying and telling me she hates herself. Which is not what I was expecting on a day I have been looking forward to for weeks. I have seen her drunk many times and yet, she never said those things to me before. She'd never said how she hated herself, or her life, or anything. I'm really confused as to what I'm supposed to do with myself. Whether to make my Nana's trip more enjoyable or focus on my deteriorating spirit and happiness of my sister. It's all a bit too much to handle for me but, I think... *Deep Breath* It has to be me. My parents are too angry and my brother is out getting drunk. I'm left to sort out everyone's problems, as per usual. I guess... Old habits die hard. For everyone...

Ta-rah.
I'll check in again sometime soon... CBC xx

Rumours

Don't you just hate rumours? I've had so many going around about me in the last few weeks that even I'm starting to believe them. The latest one particularly made me chuckle. Apparently I'm a constant users of drugs. As you don't know me you wouldn't understand the humour but here it is.

I don't drink. I have asthma and dislike anyone smoking around me. I try and help my friends stop doing things like drugs (only if they ask for help) and I have always been against any kind of 'way out' rubbish because I've seen so many people doing it and lost so many people to influences. Basically I'm completely against it. So for my Ex's best friend to start a row with me and then tell me about this rumour going around... It's kind of funny. Especially considering people do drugs to escape pain and the two people that have caused me the most pain (My ex and his best friend) have now left my life almost for good... for me to start now would be really idiotic. Dont'cha think?

So yeah, I wonder what kind of response I will get when I come in to college today. Can't be as bad as my best friend who got a rumour spread round that she had lesbian sex in the toilets of her college... Anyway, I'm off now. Have some homework to finish. Ta-rah.
CBC <3 xx

First ever blog.

Hey Bloggers,
I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to write about or who will even read this but I thought it would be an interesting way to fuel my thirst for writing. I'm an average teenager with all the usual problems ... and then some. I don't wear make-up. I don't fuss a lot about my hair. My clothes are usually found and thrown on in a random combination. I make up words. I have been known to act oddly. Basically, I'm a lickle different.

Then there is family and relationships, fickle friends and fall - outs. See, I have a massive family and they each have a big mouth and loads of cocky remarks to match. They also always think themselves correct - me included. Relationships are always going to be hard with my family and especially with my dad. I think my last one, however, really put me off any type of relationship in that way ever again. We parted badly, several times, and both his parents and mine hate that we ever got together in the first place. Though, they had good reason for that one.

Well, I'm going to go now. I'm off to see some friends. You can find more of my travels and views on life, love and everything else some time in the not so distant future. Till then, Ta-rah!
Over out from CBC ^^